What Happened?

In my old blog, I never wrote about why I broke up with HWINL. He was an avid reader, so I couldn’t or wouldn’t. Five years is a long time to live with a man. I knew after three that I needed to end it, tried half-heartedly in Year 4 and finally did it in Year 5.

Here’s a list in no particular order:

• Our politics were polar opposites. He was becoming radicalized and probably is at this point. All he cared about was not having his guns taken away.
• He couldn’t make money and if he had any, he couldn’t handle it. I paid for everything. Housing, utilities, phones, internet – I paid. He bought groceries. If he did give me money, he usually needed it back within a week. I bought him 2 phones, a laptop, clothes, started his business. Thousands and thousands of dollars….
• He smoked pot every day. Every day, all day. I don’t mind a toke. I like pot, but when your day begins and ends with a joint, you have a problem.
• The fucking dog. He got a puppy, lied to me about it’s size (45 lbs vs 90) and it drove my elderly pets into early graves. He was so selfish. I love animals. This dog was beautiful, but bred to hunt and it was tough to handle. It destroyed my shoes, a sofa, favorite chair, patio furniture, and more I can’t remember right now.
• He was selfish and issued ultimatums. If he didn’t want to do it, he wouldn’t. Help clean the house? Nope. He did hire a cleaning lady when he had money. We watched his shows, went where he wanted to eat, did the things he liked to do.
• If he didn’t want to do something, he had two approaches: flat out refuse or have an anxiety attack that would make us incredibly late. I have no patience for either. Sorry, but I don’t. I don’t ask a lot, but geez.
• My kids and friends didn’t like him. That’s a big tell. I need to pay attention to that in the future.
• He burns up relationships over seemingly nothing. I think he suffers from severe anxiety, hence the pot. I think his anxiety would get the best of him and he would refuse to discuss or hash out a disagreement.

However, I did learn quite a bit in this relationship. The man was kind at times. He is very attractive. I found him irresistibly sexy. I wanted someone who was handy, and he was very capable. He took care of me when we camped and hiked.

I discovered I don’t like camping all that much. I like being outdoors, but I like my creature comforts. I like to travel, but I like a nice hotel, not a Motel 6. I don’t like to be poor and have no savings. I felt like he was dragging me down to a socio-economic level that was unacceptable for me.

I discovered that I give up too much, too fast in a relationship because I wanted to be like, loved, desired. I did that in my marriage. I am slowly learning that I have the right to say No. I have the power and right to say No to anyone and especially to family, who are the hardest to do so.

He led me away from Miami and perhaps I never would have left if not for him. I am grateful for that…I think. I did have the perfect rental that I sorely miss.

It will soon be time for me to start dating again. Yes, I will try again. This time I want to date. Really date. Like see somebody a couple of times and turn them lose because I see some red flags and refuse to ignore them. I want to date someone for a month before having sex. I tend to jump into bed immediately. What would happen if I waited?

In the meantime, I need to get in shape. Physically and mentally. Mostly physically. I have weight to lose and muscles to find. LOL. I want to look as sexy as I feel and I feel pretty damn sexy these days.

Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash