Morose

I have been having a small pity party for myself over the past day or so. No particular reason. I have been feeling a bit lonely of late, but I immediately addressed this. I don’t feel sexy and desirable on Bumble, and the guys I like don’t reciprocate. I am mildly concerned about housing costs increasing unchecked for both rentals and purchases. Sigh. Let’s unpack these things.

I have addressed the loneliness in several ways. I went to a great book club with plans to return next month. Even though I am not religious, I am going to church tomorrow. I was baptized Episcopalian and since they are a rather mild-mannered group, I am going to give it a whirl. Plus one of the girls at work invited me to a comedy club, so I really have no reason to complain. My social calendar looks good.

Let’s jump ahead to housing before I address body image, etc. If my apartment complex brings me up to their current asking rental rate, my rent will jump about 18% or more. That works out to about $300 a month. Ouch. Can I afford it? Fortunately yes, but it will slow my savings goals. Could I buy something instead? Perhaps, but the market is hyper-stimulated and I prefer not to make a long-term commitment in that type of environment. I’ll just try to work some magic with my renewal and hope for the best.

Now, the whole body image and dating elephant. I cringe when I see guys who put their weight on their profile and it is 25+ less than my weight. I cringe when I see guys who want someone to share their “active” life meaning one filled with exercise, clean diet, etc. I am not that woman.

I am trying to figure out my exercise routine. It is a constant struggle for me because my default is not jogging, gym, tennis, golf, etc. My default is a good book. I need to lose at least 30 pounds. 40-50 pounds would be better. I am not even trying to get back to what I weighed in my 20’s. I am trying to get to something reasonable.

As usual, as I think about exercise, my first thought is to throw some money at it with classes or a gym membership. Then I realize that is an absurd solution for me. I won’t follow through.

I think my first steps need to be small ones so I can build upon them. When I went back to John Acuff’s book, Finish, he recommends the first thing you do when goal setting is take any goal and cut it in half. He’s right.

I also think that if I am going to tackle weight and exercise, I should start with simple non-scale goals. Things like using the hunger scale, focus on a plant-based diet, move my body X times a week in any way I want, drink water, sleep. I will think about this some more.

In the meantime, the weather matches my mood. Rain is predicted for most of the weekend. I have half a bottle of wine that perhaps I will finish and some movies on my watch list. Fuck exercise for the moment. I prefer to sulk today.

Photo by Marc Zimmer on Unsplash

Published by birdiehope

A smart, funny quasi-introvert who loves a festival.

One thought on “Morose

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