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It is Wednesday, so time for a Hump Day post about dating, sex and relationships. Today is not very sexy…

How many times do cheaters marry the other person?

I thought of this because my dad and stepmom are celebrating 50 years together. That is an amazing milestone. My mom claimed they had an affair during her marriage. I was only six or seven years old, so all I know is my stepmom was in the picture pretty much immediately after my parents separated. She never wanted kids and really didn’t care for me or my brother. I always thought it was because we were evidence of the prior marriage. I tend to agree with my mom and think that there was something going on.

My uncle (my dad’s brother) cheated on his wife with a close friend. It was a huge small town scandal. He married the friend, and they were so blissfully happy. Even his kids said he was a better person as a result of marriage #2. I was thinking about this at church recently, and smiled because I think their romance took root during choir practice.

I have a woman who was married to the brother of my sister-in-law. Are you following that? Anyway her marriage went to hell in a handbasket. He had a cocaine problem that I never knew about but was definitely impacting their marriage among other things.

She had what she claimed was an emotional affair with someone she met on the Board of Directors for a nonprofit. Even for Miami this was like a small town scandal and impacted all of us because we knew the wife, the guy, his kids and everyone involved. I learned far more details about it from a business colleague than I did from my family.

She divorced her husband and ended up moving out of state with this guy. I am very happy for them because they are so happy. They are living the life that they want to live. They give each other space and freedom but love and support one another. They are so blessed. They gave up so much but got even more. They were together five or six years before they finally got married.

Then I have a friend who cheated with a guy who was also cheating on his wife. She got caught, they both left their marriages and things fell apart between them.

His divorce was difficult, they both had children. The guy, now that he was free, began dating others. He developed a drinking problem, lost his top executive job in a horrible way and died. Yes, he died. According to her, he probably OD’d on booze and pills.

He was the absolute love of her life. It is a terrible gut-wrenching story. I have no idea how my friend survived all the loss and heartache of that phase of her life. She destroyed her family for this man, who quickly proved he wasn’t worth it.

Another friend met a guy when she rented him a townhouse she owned. He wanted a specific neighborhood so he could be close to his kids. It took three years for he and his wife to acrimoniously unwind a marriage and a life that included a very lucrative business. My friend dated him all through this three year separation. Never met the kids – she didn’t have kids, so I don’t think she understood the importance of that.

I always thought the guy was an a*#hole. He was all show and little substance. He drove a Lambo (leased), summered in Aspen (on mileage points). Somehow my friend thought that they would get married once he was free.

Then he got free, still wouldn’t introduce her to his teenage kids, bought a house without her input even though they had been househunting together and then broke up with her. No surprise there for me.

She was devastated. As I listened for months as she looked back on things, I saw the writing in big bold letters but she never did. I didn’t say much about these clear indicators because what good was that? Besides my friend had other issues and eventually her crazy imploded our friendship as well.

I cheated once. I craved the attention. The sex was great but the positivity and desire for me was even better. I ended it because the guy wasn’t worth destroying my family. It was hard. For weeks I cried every day as I drive to work. I vowed never to cheat again. I didn’t. To make sure, I gained over 50 pounds like a force field to keep me unattractive. I wrote a deep dark post about that on my old blog. I’ll have to repost it one day.

I am not proud of my actions, but I accept that I am not a perfect person. I decided that my kids and my family were the most important thing in my life. So I sacrificed a lot in order to keep it all together. Until one day I was done because the kids were leaving. My work in that relationship was over. I have few regrets.

Studies have shown most men cheat for sex. I agree. I think women often cheat because they are seeking emotional connection. That was the case for me. Sex is secondary, so women don’t realize that men are not prioritizing in the same order they are.

For me, cheating is a sign that there is something wrong in the primary relationship. There is a deficit of some type. I have promised myself that I won’t cheat again because I won’t tolerate a primary relationship that wasn’t fulfilling.

Relationships are so complicated. You never really know what is going on in other people’s relationships. And perhaps that is for the best. And perhaps we should try not judge others. We never know the full picture.

Wow, this was a pensive Hump Day post. Sorry, Dear Readers. I’ll be glib another day.


Published by birdiehope

A smart, funny quasi-introvert who loves a festival.

7 thoughts on “Cheating

  1. I think there are many facets to this, and I don’t judge if someone cheats, if they marry the person they cheated with, or if they stay with a partner that cheated on them. Nothing is black and white. This issue is so complex. However, for book club we read a book and I think half the characters had affairs. I don’t like the casualness that some have when using it in a book or movie. I want the logic, if that makes sense

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Relationships are so complicated. You never really know what is going on in other people’s relationships. And perhaps that is for the best. And perhaps we should try not judge others. We never know the full picture.” Truth! This post hits home from many directions.

    Liked by 1 person

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