Dry Spell

It is Hump Day when I write about sex and dating. No sex today unfortunately, Dear Readers.

Shit, my dating pipeline sucks. I cut lose MeetUp Guy, Golf Guy and Baywatch. No sense in continuing with any of them.

With Woody out of the picture, I reached out to BC. He’s always happy to chat, but his dance card is full. Seriously? Only daytime availability- LOL.

I was sitting on the beach as the conversation with BC unwinded. I was annoyed. Not really at him. I congratulated him. I am annoyed by the fact that my dating pipeline is sparse and unbalanced. I have nothing in the funnel.

I put a lot of effort into Match and Bumble. I always send a personal message on Match. I see that the men look at my profile … and don’t respond.

To me, it means I have a deficient profile. Horrible that I am writing such a statement, but this is where my head is at. I believe that I need better pictures and a better profile. I have someone who would take pics and help me write a better profile at a cost of $500. Yes, $500. Am I ready to spend that? Not yet. I want to lose the next 15 pounds before I make that kind of investment. I’m not convinced I want to spend that kind of money.

I am going to double down on in-person activities. I met a nice guy at church. There are actually a couple of possibilities at church. No numbers were exchanged, but it’s a start. I have some MeetUp gatherings scheduled.

In the meantime, I need to keep on track with taking excellent care of me. I have been writing about that.

But I also want to be very careful not to fall into a trap where my self-worth is measured by men’s attention. That is a horrible, slippery slope and I feel like I might be standing on the edge of it.

Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos on Unsplash

Disgusted – Bumble Update #4

I never did get around to dumping or blocking MeetUp Guy, for his blunder. Although both Woody and BC said to dump him and I agreed, I simply ghosted. He invited me to a sporting event, but I ignored him because I was with my daughter.

Then he pinged me a week later. By this time, I had already decided I was done with him. I saw the red flag fluttering, so why continue? But of course, I want to make sure

Did he seriously just double down? I snort laughed. What an asshat!

If this guy had any self-awareness or empathy or tact or [insert your own trait], he would have apologized. Right?

I couldn’t even dignify him with a response. He does not deserve it.

On the same day, I had another catfish on Bumble. Turned him in by the second exchange. Hey, to those who catfish, stop being a widowed engineer. So cliched. Also don’t use photos of the same guy you catfished me before.

I was on Bumble swiping left 90% of the time and came across this jerk. He is now “New”. Yeah, he deleted and added his profile again. No second chances for him. I wish I could add a warning label.

I deleted Match even though my subscription lasts until December. I hate that site. Nothing good has come from it. Then two days later I reloaded it to try again. I got a date with a very nice guy coming fresh off a 22-year marriage. He wants to “have fun”. I liked him, but he hasn’t reached out for a second date. He is probably seeing a lot of options online. I prefer not to be the rebound anyway.

I really need to work on my dating profiles. My photos suck. My profile is lackluster. Perhaps I am being hard on myself. I do need some help with the photos. I have an idea….

I need to find other ways to keep busy. I jumped back on Bumble because I felt insecure after Woody left. I also RSVP’d to a couple of MeetUp events. Maybe Bumble was a mistake. Maybe I need a break from the online crap. Perhaps I should jump off until next year or at least ignore it for a few weeks. Then part of me thinks I need to clamber back on the saddle. Let me ponder that….

Aftermath :: I Wanted the Fantasy

Woody responded to my email, but it wasn’t what I was hoping for. He was kind enough to respond quickly. He defined us as FWB and explained that he would be busy and then sailing around the islands for awhile. In other words, “hasta la vista, baby”. It wasn’t a surprise, but it still stung.

I wanted a fantasy that didn’t exist. I wanted to be swept away and live a rollicking adventurous life with Woody. But he’s human. That’s was never what he was looking for. He has some traits that I have to acknowledge would be problems down the road. He is not my shining knight. He’s a man who is just as complex as me who had been looking for company to chase away his loneliness.

I let the dream go. I have to stay grounded and not wander into some fantasy that is unrealistic. It is time to snap out of it and move forward.

We broke some of the rules of FWB. We had dates, he slept over, I jumped in with the hope of more. It is not a shining moment of emotional maturity for me. This article is great about laying out the rules of the road. I could have been smarter.

What is really interesting is when I read the FWB article, I realized that BC is doing it all right. I have a lot of respect for the guy because he is very clear about his boundaries, communication, no cuddling, etc. He could be the spokesperson. LOL.

Woody hurt my heart a little and it feels tender. I will confess that happy-go-lucky Birdie sobbed into her pillow one night. I got all the tears out and am putting this behind me. I felt much better once I released all the tears into my pillow. I screwed up and let my emotions get ahead of reality.

Woody did show me that I want more. I want a bigger life again. That’s good to know. I want some excitement again. I am ready for a man in my life. He also showed me that HWINL is not the only guy who is really, really good in bed. Thank you.

It is time to regroup and think about this. Where to find the guys with money, a boat and the willingness to bring me along for the ride. 😍😎 Hey, I gotta aim high.

I am also working on my dating skills. Sandy Weiner from mylastfirstdate.com has some excellent blog posts and podcasts. Her recent podcast on boundaries was timely and outstanding. I pulled up my Kindle copy of Matthew Hussey’s book, Get the Guy, for a refresher course of how to meet guys, date, etc. He is another great dating coach.

I went back on Bumble and Match hardcore. I need new photos, but whatever. I am also doing a few co-ed MeetUps. I have to make the effort both online and in real life if I want to meet someone. It is a slog, but I remind myself that it is a numbers game.

I won’t kid any of you, Dear Readers. I am writing this five days after Woody left and it has been pretty rough. I focus on staying busy, journaling to release it all, walking, etc. but I still read his email, check WhatsApp and sigh. A lot of sighing…but each day is better than the last. Plus I have a date with a new guy next week….

I always have hope….and I am grateful for that.

Photo by CARL HUNLEY JR on Unsplash

Inspiration

I read Adele’s interview in Vogue. I was inspired. She looks fabulous. She got into the gym for herself – her mental health mainly. You go, girl! Don’t scoff, but Kourtney Kardashian also impresses me. She really turned herself around in the fitness area.

I thought about Adele for a few days. She’s right. I need to put more effort into me. My body and mind. I know you are thinking, but you are Nooming like a crazy woman. I want more – similar to Adele.

I have been thinking about my body a lot during this weight loss journey. I want it to be amazing. I somehow think this could be the last big hoorah.

I want abs and a tight butt. Once my son is off the payroll, I want a trainer. I do well with trainers. I want to start swimming once my LASIK is healed. I want paddle boarding, kayaking and golf. I want a very active, fit life. No more sitting on the couch.

I found a good private gym that could combine my goals of fitness with meeting people. First up is LASIK and a 2-week recovery before I can do the gym. Plus I have to adjust my schedule to an earlier wake up time.

For now I will focus on getting up earlier in preparation for morning workouts. I will continue walking, weights and add in the yoga. I will keep chugging along with the things I can do on my own.

However, I want to be a bad ass. It is a lot of work, but it won’t happen unless I try. Look out here I come…

Photo by Patrick Malleret on Unsplash

Noom Update #7

My Noom journey continues. I am writing this on Day 79 of this journey. Let’s do the numbers:
• Total weight loss: 16.9 pounds, another 2.2 pounds lost from my previous update. I am still holding steady at about 1.5 pounds a week which is great.
• From my last Noom update to this one, which is only about a week, my measurements dropped as well. I am down ½ inch on my waist. My measurements show a 1-1/2 inch loss on my hips and stomach. Did I measure this correctly? Let’s go with yes 😊 In the mirror, I can see my midsection is getting flatter.
• I added my FitBit on Day 12 and according to FitBit, I have walked 250 miles over the past 67 days. Wow. That’s amazing.

I noticed earlier last week that I took my foot off the gas pedal a little because I was within striking distance of my first 15 pound weight loss goal. I had a dessert, a little extra here and there. No bueno. I went into my Noom settings and set a new goal that will drop me below 170 pounds (another 17 pound loss). That did the trick and got me back into gear.

With this weight loss, I am no longer wearing Sizes 18, 16 or XL. I am a stable Size 14 and Large. I have been pulling all the clothes in those larger sizes and putting them into a donation bag. The bag is getting quite full. My plan is to not buy much in Size 14 and focus on getting to Size 12.

This week I wore a pair of NYDJ buff denim jeans that I have NEVER fit into. I had bought the wrong size and they had been sitting in my closet, with the tags on, for a solid 18 months. They are still a little tight, but it felt fantastic to zip them up. I felt so skinny!

What’s next? My idea to begin getting up a little earlier in preparation for joining a gym has been mostly an idea – LOL. I have not been consistent with going to bed earlier so I can wake up earlier. Part of the problem is that I tried to make a large time shift. I need to do this incrementally instead.

If I can get to bed earlier, then I will wake up earlier which will give me time to exercise in the morning. I need to get that habit going and get my son off the payroll before joining a gym. I have been like a youngster and just rolling out of bed at the last minute to hustle off to work. It has been a luxurious guilty pleasure, but I can do better. I moved into an apartment that is 10 minutes from work so I would never have to fret about my commute again and maximize my free time. I just need to rearrange my schedule and the best way so that it sticks is to do so slowly.

I keep reading the daily lessons, sometimes I skip them, but apparently I am one of the elite Noom Nerds that continues the lessons. I enjoy the reinforcement. All in all, I am very pleased and excited with my Noom journey because I see and feel the results every day. Hallelujah!

Hey Sexy Man

My limerence poked back out after Woody left. This popped out and I impulsively emailed it before my calmer, cooler self prevailed…

Thank you – thank you for spending Sunday with me before you left. Thank you for being so amazingly good, giving and game on all levels. Thank you for being vulnerable and showing me more of who you are. Thank you for making me feel incredibly sexy and desirable. Thank you for making rice and not batting an eye when I [deleted] – LOL

I am not writing this to ask anything of you. OK, I am, but you were vulnerable and now it’s my turn. I am curious about what is this thing between us? FWB? Casual but intense hook up that has run its course? There is no right or wrong answer. I merely wonder what you are thinking. This is not a request for exclusivity – it is way too soon for that.

I don’t know exactly what I’m asking, but once again let me put my cards on the table. I could easily let myself fall for you – hard. I only know what I am feeling – happy that we have met and were able to spend Sunday together, wistful now that you are away and wishing for more if you were willing. I understand and accept that this (whatever this is) could be long distance indefinitely.

I hope your trip was uneventful, and your boat was resting easy when you returned. I hope the business deal works out well. I hope you smile when you think of me and I hope this email doesn’t scare the bejesus out of you.

Kisses, Birdie

Update : Future Goals

Back in August, I outlined several items both financially and physically I wanted to accomplish. I am kicking butt and taking names, all modesty aside.

Financially

I submitted all the paperwork to cash in my whole life policy. They have issued the check and it is proverbially in the mail. Hooray!

I decided to reallocate the money across a series of bank accounts. First and foremost, I am setting up a new savings account dedicated solely to my now fully funded emergency fund. Hooray again! This will be at an online bank where I have my current saving account.

Next up, I am putting more money into my LLC bank account to avoid bank fees. My CFO said to call it a Capital Contribution in my QuickBooks. It will just be another holding account.

Another savings account directly tied to my local checking account is the third account I will set up. This will just be a safety net for my checking account. I will keep about $5,000 in that one.

I am at about 70% of my total savings goal in order to buy a house. I am hopeful I can knock out the rest in about 12-18 months. I also am grateful for this extra time because I really want to think about if I want to buy something. I think so, but my wanderlust is increasing. I need time for the market and me to settle down. Hopefully interest rates don’t leap upwards in the meantime.

Physically

I had three items to address: LASIK, Smile Direct Club and a tummy tuck. I am nowhere close to the latter, but I am scheduled for my LASIK in the next few weeks. The price was slightly less than I thought it would be. My HSA has enough money to fully fund it.

I am excited and slightly nervous about it. The doctor and I had a good conversation about my expectations. Since I am already very familiar with mono vision contacts, she said I shouldn’t have a problem. I was realistic about perhaps needing reading glasses to prevent eye strain since I work on a computer and read all day. She said with that attitude I would be happy with the results. We discussed night vision and I left feeling confident with my decision.

Smile Direct will be next. That will probably be in 2022 once I get more money in my HSA. I mean why not use tax free money whenever possible?

Another physical improvement that was not on the list is electrolysis. I got a home kit from Amazon for $350. Yes, this is one of my over-spending splurges. This is another project that will take me several weeks/ months of treatments to get results, but it will be great in the long run, I hope.

I am turning 58 in 2022. I really want to look my best these days. Would I consider plastic surgery? Yes to the tummy tuck. Maybe eyelids, maybe a little Botox. I never say never. I just want to look like me and not some over-injected apparition of myself. These enhancements can be a slippery slope. If you would have asked me 5+ years ago, I would have scoffed at you. Times are a changing…

Don’t worry, you will get a full report on the LASIK. My fingers are crossed…

Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

Wrecked

This is a somewhat explicit post as part of my Hump Day series. Govern yourself accordingly. 😁

My Sunday Funday with Woody was something that went wildly beyond my expectations. Let’s back up because before the day began I was somewhat grumbly for a couple of reasons:

· He requested that I make something I had made for my daughter when I was visiting her. It’s easy to make in the slow cooker, but the cut of meat took a little effort to find. Try 3 grocery stores on a Saturday night after flying home. Grrrrr….

· He asked me to be the consummate host: food, drink, a romp between the sheets including a sleepover. I was tired from being out of town for a week. A good night’s sleep and some sexting beforehand remedied my grumbles.

· I also took control of the narrative. Usually I would bustle around the house and not do any of my standard activities in preparation. Not this time. I went to church, did my laundry and ran some errands. I told Woody I would be back home at this time and he was fine with it.

I realized that my attitude was causing the problem, nothing that he was doing. Maybe I was disappointed that he was leaving and that I am hoping for more of a relationship than he is willing to give.  Whatever it was, I decided that I need to put all that aside and just be in the moment for Sunday Funday.  I am glad I did that because the afternoon turned into something that blew my mind….

It started off a little bumpy.  Our sexting had gotten explicit about how Sunday was going down.  Part of it involved tying me up.  I was willing, until I realized how he wanted to do it and that made me nervous.  The good part is that he stopped immediately once he realized I was uncomfortable.  He teased me about chickening out, but he completely respected my hesitation and we moved on to other things.

Golf Guy had given me some pot – it is from a dispensary and is not off the street. I had taken a toke about two weeks ago and that one hit turned me into a couch zombie. I need to find out what the heck this was because we both took a toke and were LIT. We had a drink (I had one and he had two), but we were both sky high for hours.

That is when Woody pulled out my toys, including a new one I had not really bothered with, and got busy.  I won’t get too explicit, but let me say that over the next 5 hours I was noisy, wet and did some things I hadn’t done before.  It was mind-blowing.  I had to take a nap or two and we ate dinner, watched TV, etc. during that time, but those were minor events compared to the main one.

Plus Woody let his guard down and was vulnerable about his past, his marriage, his divorce, his cancer fight and his life in general. I learned a lot about the man and his life journey. I have a lot of empathy for what I heard, the lessons he has learned from the hurt he has caused and he has suffered. I shared some, but not too much because mostly I was listening to him. Listening without judgment. I am not sharing too much because it is really his story to tell, not mine.

We woke up the next morning, which was Monday and time for me to return to work. My apartment was a wreck. I chuckled because the kitchen was a mess, the bathroom had towels strewn on the floor and his shirts drying everywhere because he did a load of laundry. The bed was a disaster. I tidied up while he packed, made coffee and biscuits, and helped him with a computer issue involved with uploading a form he needed. I made it to work on time.

I had asked him overnight when he was returning and got no answer.  I guess I didn’t expect one.  I sent him a text.  “Holy shit, I am a wreck.  I just jumped in the car and I’m exhausted already. Thank you for an incredible Sunday Funday.  Safe travels.  I’d love to see you again, just let me know.”  No answer for several hours, but then I got “Me too!! Rough day.  Hang in there.”  

He’s gone for at least a month.  Maybe more.  Maybe less.  It depends on business matters that will keep him tied to the islands for a couple of months. I miss him already and as the day wore on my mood has slipped to melancholy. I jumped back onto Bumble just to stay in the saddle, but geez, it’s work.

I am going to take some time and think about all of this. Think about my next dating steps. Think about the mind-blowing sex we enjoyed. Lots of thinking. This will take lots of walks to sort through…. but first I need to put clean sheets on my bed and get some rest.

Photo by Bobby Stevenson on Unsplash

 

My Son is Frustrating Today

ARGH!  My son needs to get off my payroll.  He needs to get a job and I got so frustrated with him on a recent call.  First let me provide some background so you can understand why my patience has melted and my frustration has increased.

He is well educated with a 4-year degree and a Masters.  The Masters is from a prestigious school.  He spent a year working abroad in Asia.  He speaks an Asian language and minored in it during college.  He is a subject matter expert.  BUT HE CANNOT FIND A JOB?!

He graduated in May of this year. He applied to the military for a specific officer program. He has a shitty recruiter and yet he has not taken firm steps to advocate for himself, find another recruiter or really be assertive about the situation. This means he missed two office selection deadlines this year.

He has been temping and doing OK with that, but his job search efforts appear to be spotty.  Yes, he missed out on a lot of good networking during his Masters studies due to Covid, but so did all his classmates and they seem to have launched by now.

Today we had a call and I asked him about an upcoming interview. He claims its an interview. Yeah, through a job fair. That, to me, is an initial phone screen. OK, better than nothing. Maybe I am wrong, but it is also a month away….

Next up, the military.  He had gone up the food chain, gotten a few other people to contact but had not done so.  He had lousy excuses.  I shot them all down and told him that the only person who is going to advocate for him is him.  If he really wanted this, then he needed to fight for it.

He tried to tell me that companies aren’t hiring. What planet is he on? We have a labor SHORTAGE. He says they are calling back furloughed workers first. NO THEY ARE NOT. I told him that he wasn’t right about that. I suggested he contact his career centers for both his grad school and undergraduate. Both have robust career centers. Besides he isn’t looking in corporate America, so let me leave it there for his privacy.

Then the temping gig.  He had just completed a 90-day temp position and took a week off.  OK, whatever.  But when I spoke to him it was midday Thursday and he had not contacted the agency about working the next week.  I told him that they were filling next week’s positions today — ARGH.

Instead, he was putzing around with a camera scanner. THIS IS COSTING ME MONEY. I am done. My patience has run out. I just did some quick math and this young adult has cost me $25,000 over the past 3 years. $25,000 paid to him since he graduated from college. He needs to be off my payroll. I thought he would be off by November, but it is not looking like that will happen.

Now I have to sit back and regroup. I think I need to give him a hard deadline and stick to it. I do not have the $$ to give him. It isn’t fair to me. I am living a more frugal life because I am sending this young, capable, able-bodied man almost 10% of my gross income. WTF?! That shit needs to stop.

By the way, don’t think I am leaving this young man broke. Oh no, he has an emergency fund that he could live on for about 6-8 months. Yes, he is sitting on a pile of money. His student loan payments don’t start until January. He has no car or cellphone payments. His overhead is rent, utilities, food, insurance. The basics. ARGH!

I did not want to bring his dad into the conversation, but somehow there needs to be a concerted effort to get this young man launched. I refuse to say kid. He is turning 26 in January. Shit, I was married with a kid. My daughter had started her residency. Something has to give.

After I wrote the above, two events occurred. The first is I called my Ex. We can actually parent well together. We talked for 45 minutes and agreed about ending our stipends or at least dramatically reducing them. We discussed the logistics, who would tell him (me) and that we would follow up with an email. The main question was how to phase out the payments. I suggested the new plan should be effective January 1st.

We agreed to take a couple of days to think about the idea and reconvene. Of course, immediately (I am talking not more than 5 minutes) after the call, I get a text from my son that he has a job interview for an excellent position. I told him to interview immediately and helped him prep that night.

But I have to say I was a bit surprised at how much coaching he needed. He claims to have used his career center for mock interview prep in the past, but I had to insist that he take copies of his resume to the interview. Geez, why not? It ended up being a great prop during the interview because he pulled out his portfolio with resumes, paper and pen which totally impressed the interviewers. Being well-organized is a key requirement for this job.

He didn’t have any questions to ask them, so I went to my #1 daily must read website, Ask a Manager. Alison has some great interview questions, so we reviewed a couple of options. He used them and the interviewers were impressed. Hooray! But I have been telling him to use this site repeatedly and send him stuff intermittently. Why does this seem new to him? I try not to nag, but he really needs to step up. He did go buy a new dress shirt, so kudos because he is incredibly frugal to a fault.

He also told me during our prep call and post-interview call that he had called the temp agency and the military recruiters. Yeah, you better get your shit together and start following up. Actually, I was glad to hear that he took some action. It’s about time – LOL.

It sounds like he did really well, so everyone has crossed fingers. Hopefully he makes it to Round 2 for this position. It sounds like they want to hire relatively quickly, so he should know in about 30 days. Either way, he is coming off my payroll. The only question is when to tell him. In the meantime my fingers and toes are crossed… his better be too.

My Spidey Senses are Tingling

Remember I mentioned that it looked like I was going to be smack in the middle of a work culture war? I had a meeting with the CEO and my boss. Yep, I called it.

I did a big presentation, got good feedback and then he told me to go do another deep dive project. The new one is going to be tough. It involves me digging into some data that I don’t have access to. I have already approached the keeper of the data. He is willing to help.

The ramifications of my report will be so big that the only person who can address it will be the CEO. Will he sweep it under the rug or use it? Too soon to say.

I have also been brought into another project by our General Counsel. My spidey senses have been on high alert and this new project set off big alarms. I am the expert and keeper of key information important to a merger/acquisition. This new project requires my data. Hmmmm… My colleague is also being asked about her data. Fascinating. Plus there is a deadline…. Interesting….. but I don’t think anything dramatic would occur until sometime next year.

The past week I really just putzed around. I guess I better get to work. At least I won’t be bored….

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